the now;

I cannot explain or describe the emotion && pain that I feel right now, mostly because i dont even know the pain that im feeling..confusion goes through my head as I think about the things that I've been told && the scenarios that have been describe && "re-played" for me. i dont know what to believe, whether I need to be upset, sad, && depressed or to be forgiving && understanding and go && try to figure && work it out. But the thoughts that run through my head i feel are not the same as yours. i feel like you've left me in the dirt to suffer as you go on and live your "glamorous" lifestyle. && i know that I shouldnt base my decisions off of the emotions && actions of others, but i am soo SICK of being "the bigger person" im tired of being the one to "work it out" ..."making up to you" ...i just want to be made up to, i feel that i deserve that much. But the funny thing is as i lay in my sadness && drown in my sorrows I am a kind of content with the things that have taken place. I feel that God doesnt take you through anything that you cannot bear. This journey or this chapter that he's about to take me through && about to write i believe will draw me closer to him && his love. Just recently I was listening to Kirk Franklin's Hero CD and a song begin to play "First Love" && as I listened to the song, the tears immediately began to flow because I felt that God was speaking to me. That was a Sign telling me that I need to run back to him && fall in love with him all over again. I know that once that is done that all will be okay because HE WILL take care of me && will mend my broken heart. Its time that I take care of me && get my life together, so if you see me a little down or not "being me"..just know that im [u n d e r c o n s t r u c t i o n]